KAYLA
HEAD-ROYCE SCHOOL
12TH GRADE
1.How do you identify? Have you always felt comfortable in this identity? Interpret this question however you'd like, whether it be your gender, ethnicity or nationality.
I identify as female, American, and hapa -- half white, half Japanese. Growing up hapa was interesting because when I first started to become more conscious of my appearance midway through lower school, I started to dislike certain parts of myself and yearn for different features. Since then, I’ve realized that the features I admired were ones characteristic of Europeans, and even as only half Japanese I identified myself as different enough from the European beauty standard to be really uncomfortable with my appearance. I longed for blue eyes and a perky nose, but one of my traits that bothered me most was my hair. I so badly wanted the “beachy waves” look, a style my extremely straight, half-Asian hair will never, ever accommodate. Going along with this style, I really wanted blonde hair and remember being thankful that at least my white side had influenced my brown hair in that it becomes much blonder with extended sun exposure. Being half and half was also annoying to me because it felt like I was so close to, yet still so far from, the European beauty standard, especially because I was at times jealous of my closest hapa friend who I thought looked whiter than I did. And though I so badly wanted to attain a European kind of beauty, I did also appreciate the beauty that I saw in my full Chinese classmates, but unfortunately, I wasn’t quite like them either. I also was a little jealous of another hapa friend of mine who I thought looked predominantly Chinese, so even though she, too, was half and half, she also got to fit in with one community. I struggled with my features for a long time, but my self-confidence definitely started to improve in late middle school when a third half-white, half-Chinese friend taught me the term “hapa”, referring to someone of half Caucasian and half Asian or Pacific Islander descent. It might not sound like much, but just learning that there was a term to describe someone exactly like me gave me a much better sense of self; I finally felt like there was a clear community to which I belonged. Since then, I’ve really learned to embrace being hapa, and now I get really excited when I identify other hapas with whom I can bond!
2. Talk about the environments and communities you've been a part of and the ways in which they've affected the formation of your identity. Tell your story!
I’m a lifer at Head-Royce, which means that I’ve spent the last 13 years of my life on the same campus, surrounded by familiar faces. The School’s overwhelmingly liberal culture and efforts to instill in students a perpetual sense of open-mindedness have definitely had a positive influence on me as I’ve developed my personal identity over the years. As I mentioned earlier, I did struggle from a young age to form my identity because being mixed race, I wasn’t really sure where I could fit in, but I think that Head-Royce was a pretty welcoming environment for me to figure out myself. I’ve always had a fair number of hapa friends with me, and even though they’re mostly Chinese, not Japanese, their presence definitely helped me to ultimately find both a sense of community and a sense of identity. Although I’ve always lived in Oakland and attended Head-Royce, I visit relatives in Indiana every Christmas and always take note of the stark contrast between culture there and culture here. When I’m in Indiana, I stick out as one of few non- super white people, so much so that at times I find myself literally turning heads as I walk. There, one of my family’s neighbors visited their home, and after my dad introduced us and explained that we live in the Bay Area, the neighbor turned to me specifically and asked, “so where are you from?” Upon repeating that we’re from the Bay Area, he looked at me again and said, “no, but where are you from?” This moment was one of my many Indiana experiences that really put into perspective the life I am able to lead at Head-Royce, where I could safely explore my identity without having to answer stupid questions about it.
Nonetheless, I’ve definitely still experienced microaggressions as a half-Japanese student at Head-Royce. Being Asian and being a year ahead in math was always a source of stereotypical jokes, which was really just a lose-lose situation for me because when I did well in math, it was because I’m Asian, but when I did poorly, I was disappointing my culture. I was especially annoyed by these comments because up until seventh grade, math was always my worst subject and something with which I really struggled, so much so that my mom actually bought me a book called Math Is Fun to try to save me. So when people assumed that I was accelerated in math simply because I was Asian, I was especially insulted because I obviously felt like my mathematical success was due more to my work ethic than to my heritage. It was annoying feeling at times like I had to do especially well in math to prove that I wasn’t successful because I was Asian, but eventually I learned to brush off these microaggressions, my peers also stopped saying these things so much as we all grew up throughout high school.
As far as feeling the need to perform my identity differently because of my attendance at Head-Royce, I’ve felt this urge regarding class more than race. Growing up around so many people who have the means to do so much definitely did skew my perception of what I considered normal. I was always embarrassed that I couldn’t shop at the same stores as others, and I learned early on how to seek out sales, motivated at first more by a need to fit in than by a genuine passion for fashion. Similarly, I felt disheartened in the college process when I saw classmates immune to thoughts of financial burden, believing with good intentions that financial aid is a simple cure-all solution to level the playing field of college admissions. I’ve learned that there are always going to be people who have more than you and people who have less than you, but sometimes you’ll still feel the need to pretend that you have everything that others do, too. Ultimately, though, everyone can always do more to be aware of others’ varying identities and personal situations, and Head-Royce has taught me to always try to approach life with an open mind!
3.Where do you feel most safe as a racial minority at Head-Royce?
As a hapa at Head-Royce, I feel most safe in Asia Club, where we share our thoughts on varying aspects of the Asian American experience, and with my friends, with whom I can comfortably discuss anything.
4. In what moments, if any, have you felt hyper-aware of your race in attending an independent school? How has being a minority student at a school like HRS affected the way you view yourself?I feel like I kind of answered these questions together in my response to the first question, but I felt acutely aware of my race when I was in lower and middle school at Head-Royce, trying to find a sense of identity and self-confidence amidst European beauty standards and the pressure I felt as a girl to perfect my appearance. Nonetheless, attending Head-Royce for high school really helped me shape my own identity; aspects like the Day of Dialogue or even just affinity groups have encouraged me to think deeply about who I am and how I relate to the rest of the world, and for that I am so grateful!
5. Do you feel as though individuals of your race are properly represented at HRS. Whether this is through the literature that we read, members of of our staff etc…
Although most of them are not Japanese, it does seem that there are lots of hapas at Head-Royce, so I do feel well-represented in the Head-Royce population. However, there are still times when I feel like my Japanese side could’ve been better represented in the school curriculum. There is an entire senior elective devoted to Japanese culture, but in tenth grade history when we learned about World War II, we didn’t really ever discuss the 442nd Regimental Combat Team, a fighting unit almost entirely made up of Japanese Americans that was the most decorated unit of its size and duration of service in the history of American warfare! One night over dinner my uncle asked me if we’d learned about them, and I jokingly retorted, “No, we only learned about the white people,” but upon reflection I realized that my statement held a little more truth than I’d expected. I know that course curriculums are packed enough as is, and we definitely didn’t actually learn solely about white people, but I think there could be room for a slightly more diverse history curriculum, in particular with the inclusion of the 442nd Regiment.
6. If you came back to visit HRS in 10 years, what would you have liked to see changed?
Ideally, in 10 years at Head-Royce I would like to see the eradication of our numerous unpleasant neighbors, but alas, I fear such is beyond our control. I’d hope to see a little more socioeconomic diversity amongst the student body, and perhaps more diversity in the curriculum as well. I also hope that the Jayhawks will one day inherently exude exorbitant amounts of school spirit!!
7. Tell me about a time when you felt proud of your race!
Freshman year, I was a peer tour guide for prospective students shadowing at Head-Royce for a day. One time, this girl shadowed me, and I remember thinking that she seemed really cool and hoping that she would decide to come to Head-Royce the following year. Partway through the day, she turned to me as we were walking to class and asked, “So, are you hapa?” When I told her that I was, she told me that she was also hapa, and we excitedly discussed our different backgrounds and the experiences we’d had as hapas. In that moment, I felt so proud and excited to be hapa, and it was really great to connect in that way with someone I’d only just met, even though she didn’t end up coming to Head-Royce.