RIDHA
HEAD-ROYCE SCHOOL
12TH GRADE
1.How do you identify? Have you always felt comfortable in this identity? Interpret this question however you'd like, whether it be your gender, ethnicity or nationality.
I am half-Indian and half-Pakistani, which I am very felt comfortable about and always felt that way growing up, as oppose to my brothers who as little kids wanted to change their names to things like Max or Fred and who are now at very different places in their lives when it comes to their racial identities. Coming to Head-Royce in 6th grade I was surrounded by people who looked nothing like me and it made me feel isolated and as if I couldn’t connect to people about certain parts of my life. It wasn’t until high school that that shifted and the Indian population grew. I was very excited at first and began to feel more comfortable. But I didn’t do things like Bollywood dance or Hindi singing or practice Hindu traditions like many other Indians did. I can’t dance, I did Hindi singing for years and finally quit simply because I didn’t enjoy it, although I still love Indian music and listen to it often. I didn’t practice Hindi traditions because I am not religious. And all of a sudden the people I felt I could connect to didn’t find me “Indian enough.” It’s disheartening to be accused of not caring or being proud of your own culture and “trying too hard to be American,” when you are proud of every aspect of your life and just live it differently than others. When it comes to religion that has been something that has fluctuated throughout my life. I’ve always been interested in learning about different religions and questioning everything that comes along with each one rather than blindly following anything, which is how I’ve been with every aspect of my life. I am queer and am completely comfortable with my sexuality and when I first started to question it I didn’t mention it to anybody, not because I was hiding it, but rather because I felt I had to “come out” to myself before I could to anyone else. I never put a label on it or felt the need to because I just didn’t know and was okay with that, I was happy with just living life and figuring myself out as I went along. Gender has always been a very confusing concept to me, especially with it being a social construct, just as race is. I don’t see anything as simply black and white, just like I don’t see us all as male or female. I use she/her pronouns and always have, but I think there is so much more than that. Growing up I was taught (like we all are) what is considered “girly.” And I didn’t identify with many of those things for much of my life, although early on I did and at that point that was all I was introduced to. Now at almost 18 years old, I don’t see myself as the 4 year old little girl in the pictures wearing shiny lip gloss and fuzzy purse and I also don’t see myself as that 7 year old from the pictures who wore an oversized shirt from the ‘boys’ section kind of similar to my older brothers. I don’t see it as that simple. Growing up I was never “girly” enough or “Indian” enough and that played over and over in my head as I was trying to figure myself out while being pressured by the social constructs that are race and gender.
2. Talk about the environments and communities you've been a part of and the ways in which they've affected the formation of your identity. Tell your story!
I lived in San Ramon for a large part of my life and the majority of the town is Asian. There is an incredibly large Indian community that I grew up with. We would do things like celebrate Holi together in the park, or go to each others houses on holidays and bring each other sweets. I did Hindi singing for years and that was a whole other community in itself. I would also sing with family at gatherings and events. Gatherings with family were always the biggest part of my life. I would spend time with family pretty much every week. We sing, dance, listen to Indian/Pakistani music, eat a lot of food, watch Indian/Pakistani TV shows and partake in a lot of other traditions. We also do a lot of more American things together, like play or watch football and basketball and play video games. They’re a huge part of my life even though they all annoy the crap out of me. I have always been one to keep my personal life separate from school. When it comes to my ethnicity and how that comes into play in my home life, I didn’t talk about it too much just like anything else in my home life. I wasn’t hiding it and didn’t feel embarrassed. In fact, these things do come up sometimes, and when they do people focus on the fact that they’ve never heard about it before and assume I am embarrassed by my culture, which is not the case.
3. Where do you feel safe as a racial minority at Head-Royce?
I was just talking to a teacher about this the other day, I think Andy, and he was saying how a lot students, including myself, feel they don't have a safe space. But I'm not just thinking in terms of race specifically, but a space where we can take a moment outside of school and openly talk about our struggles. In terms of race, I felt safe in that small discussion group after Karen's speech.
4. Do you think you've ever been treated differently in the classroom because you are a minority. If so, talk about your experience.
I remember in my group discussion after the Day of Dialogue on race, I brought up a point about assumptions being made about people based on their race. I gave the stereotype of the ‘nerdy, studious, and super smart’ Indian as an example because it is the only example I can speak about from a personal standpoint. Someone responded by saying “So people think you’re a genius, so what? That’s not even a bad thing. There are bigger problems in the world. People are getting shot because of their race and you’re here complaining about people thinking you’re a genius.” I felt very attacked in the moment and angry because I was not trying to complain and more importantly was in no way at all trying to undermine any other issue about any other race. The point I was trying to make was that with every race comes an assumption and I wanted to start a conversation about breaking past what I consider to be boundaries. I was angry because the person that made that remark was white and I felt that they got to walk around with this shield that is their skin tone. Looking back I realize that that thought is actually enforcing the divide I thought I wanted to break down. I was angry because this person didn’t know me at all and knew nothing about my life or how I felt about myself or how much that “little, not bad” assumption that I should be a genius, that I was nothing but a hard-working, studious, nerd affected me. For four years I was the exact opposite. I struggled immensely with a deep lack of motivation due to personal issues and as a result never studied for a test, never worked hard at any essay, and never cared. I was the kid people would come to for help with the homework that I actually didn’t do. And my classmates’ response: “But Ridha, I thought you were the responsible one!” The fact that my classmates thought I was a genius wasn’t the thing that bothered me. It was the fact that not a single one of them actually tried to get to know me. They just looked at me and assumed they had my whole life figured out.
5. If you came back to visit HRS in 10 years, what would you have liked to see changed?
I’d like to see an impact of things like Days of Dialogue or Karen’s speech being carried out on a day-to-day basis. I hope the conversations and calls to action continue and we are not content with acknowledging societal issues once and then moving on.
6. Tell me about a time when you felt proud of your race!
One time would be when the show The Mindy Project came out. I never get to see the star of a TV show being Indian so that meant a lot to me.